The mystery of the littlest poop

It’s finally time for my first of many Tales from Toiletopia! I’m so excited and I dedicate this post to Normal For Norfolk, who shares my taste for poop. Wait! No! I mean stories about poop. Dammit.

Back when I worked in another place, the greatest thing about our building was that we didn’t have to share a bathroom with the public. Yes, that is snobby and elitist but I am squeamy about sharing my toilet time and having to use a public potty just creeps me out. The one downside to not sharing the bathroom with the public, though, is you can’t blame abnormalities on “them”; you know it came from within the building, like those threatening phone calls to the babysitter. So one day, I walked into our little restroom and headed to my favorite stall. When I pushed the door open, something on the floor caught my eye. It was a little round poop. A tiny turd. A marble-sized piece-a’ feces. It was on the floor right in front of the toilet, tucked far enough back that you didn’t see it until you were in the stall.

I reacted accordingly and professionally: I exited the room to find my co-hort-worker,  quietly sidled up to her desk and whispered, “Meet me in the bathroom,” and then slithered away again. Once we reconnoitered, I showed her the offending mass of excrement that was still lying there like a lost…well, a lost poop, really. She fah-reaked and that sent us into hysterical giggles but we knew that at any moment, someone could come in and see us squatting down like children looking at a bug only we were looking at a piece of poop and laughing like crazy people. That would have been hard to explain so we had to take immediate action. Like ninjas or Charlie’s Angels or maybe like Charlie’s Ninjas, we locked the bathroom stall door from the outside (you can totally do that with a quarter if you have the right kind of door) and raced to fetch gloves and Clorox wipes. The co-hort- worker really wanted protective face gear but we didn’t have any so she had to make do with a paper towel over her nose and mouth. We donned the gloves and carefully (no HAZMAT team has ever been more cautious) using about 70 sheets of toilet paper, picked the little turd up and tossed it into the toilet to flush it all away. Then we hand-mopped the entire floor area with Clorox wipes, put those in a bag along with our gloves and her face protection, tied it all up, and crammed it down to the bottom of the trash receptacle. To be on the safe side, we Lysolled the entire stall from top to bottom. I’m a little surprised we didn’t asphyxiate ourselves. We washed our hands as  thoroughly as possible at least five times then slathered anti-bacterial goo up to our elbows. It was like we were clean-up professionals, not mere office workers.

We didn’t want to think too hard about who had left that little present but we would have liked to have known if it was intentional or not. And if not, how did it get there? We had our theories but we will never know for sure.  I can say with surety, however, that it was a long time before we could look any of our co-workers in the eye.


Filed under Tales from Toiletopia

19 responses to “The mystery of the littlest poop

  1. This takes the cake on weird toilet stories. Random excrement at work; doesn’t get much weirder.
    Hee hee, “taste for poop.” Snicker.

    • Right?? I still don’t want to know from whom it came, but wow…how did it get there? And why did it stay there? I’m now ever-vigilant about checking the stall before entering and egressing, just in case.

      Yeah, hee hee, “taste for poop” so gross! Hee hee hee and yet so funny!

  2. I would love to have been a fly on the wall during all of this. Wait, maybe a fly wouldn’t be the best choice considering the subject matter…or fecal matter, as the case may be. 😉

    • Bwahahaha!
      Exactly – you’d have been a fly on the poop and we’d have flushed you down with the rest.
      I’m not sure it would have been good for anyone to have shared this experience, actually. It was pretty scarring. And hilarious. But traumatic, too.

  3. omg. you guys are crazy…. so do you get all that gear together when you change a diaper?? just curious. Maybe somebody was changing a diaper and one of the little nuggets from the constipated baby rolled onto the floor. More likely for that to happen than for an adult to miss the toilet. Clearly it’s not like they had diarrhea, in which case depending on how far the toilet is from the person, missing the toilet may be an issue.. but a constipated enough person to produce nuggets would’ve been perched for a bit. just sayin’

    • Oh, nono. This was not a diaper-changing facility. There had been no babies in the building prior to the little poop appearing. It had belonged to ONE OF OUR CO-WORKERS! GAK! So of COURSE we had to gear-up to remove it! We didn’t know where our co-workers had been when they were not at their desks! It’s not like a baby. You know where they’ve been and what they’ve had to ingest. Adults are totally not like that; they’re sketchy and their feces could be disease vectors.
      Our most popular (between us) theory was that it was a shart in the panties and when the dropper sat to use the toilet, the little thing fell out of the panties and onto the floor in front of said toilet. She never even knew and apparently didn’t see it lying there, all sad and small, when she turned to flush. That’s what we hoped, anyhow, because the thought of someone leaving it there for a co-worker to find on purpose is just unsettling.

      • sounds like a dingleberry fell off at the wiping phase..

        • That was another thought. But we couldn’t figure out the logistics. How would it have wound up in FRONT of the toilet, perfectly positioned like that? Wouldn’t it have just bounced to the side? Rolled along until it stopped just a little ways into the next stall?
          It was like a day of Sherlock Holmes only without resolution.

  4. Maybe it was a test from the TV show, “What Would You Do?” I can hear John Quinones now. ” Will anyone stop to help, or will people walk by like nothing is there? Will there be a confrontation, or does the name of the poopetrator matter? You be the judge.” You didn’t see John Quinones, did you?

    • No. At least, I don’t think so. Was he wearing a wig?
      Actually, this was long enough ago that we would have had to have worried about Alan whats-his-name and Candid Camera…something we also wondered about.
      We should have looked for hidden cameras. DAMMIT! Where were you to give us that hint way back then?

      Hee hee hee “Poopetrator” hee hee hee!

  5. This is the greatest mystery ever! I mean, it seems practically impossible for that little poo to have landed in front of the toilet. It’s almost as if it had a mind of its own and rolled it’s little self there on purpose, hoping for someone to pick it up and give it some love. This totally needs to be written into a children’s book.

  6. What about this theory?
    Totally normal co worker goes to the loo to do a wee, with no malicious poo-leaving forethought, and sharts. DOESN’T REALISE IT WAS A SHART. It was such a petite poo she didn’t even feel it. Plus it SOMEHOW stayed stuck during the wiping phase, but dislodged upon standing, whereupon it fell to the floor. To be found later by mystified co-workers.
    …Whoever it was should be grateful they didn’t end up with it stuck to the bottom of their shoe.

    • Or perhaps it was Mr Hankie’s calling card! Have you been having lots of fibre in your diet? 😉

    • This is also a good theory. In a way, I wish there were a way to find out what happened. Mostly, though, I’m glad I can’t. I don’t think I really want to know. Coming up with possibilities is far more entertaining.
      But the shoe – you are SO right! And I am thankful, too, because it would have been tracked throughout the building and…yuck!

  7. …Or maybe three…

    ie ‘Maybe one or maybe two-‘

    ..gah never mind.

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