Writers, come to me

I have this great plan that will involve lots of help from friends as well as copious amounts of moolah. See, there’s a mansion in my town that’s up for sale, complete with acreage, about a town-block’s worth, and views. It’s lovely, all nestled up against the mountains and it’s only like a million and a half dollars! I am going to win the lottery/get a giant inheritance from an unknown benefactor/go gangbusters on Kickstarter or something equally unlikely that will provide me with piles of cash, then I’m going to buy this mansion and turn it into a writer’s retreat! As in a place for writers to retreat, not a place that teaches writing classes, though, come to think of it, that could be an option as well.

Here’s the mansion that will become my writer’s retreat. It’s so popular that even those evil deer who mug poor townsfolk for their birdseed hang out here.

This is a great idea for several reasons.

Reason 1: I know a lot of authors. They often need help finishing their stories and help could easily come in the form of a quiet room with no distractions and I would totally be able to provide that with my writers retreat.

Reason 2: I stalk many other authors and once the authors I know started telling their author friends about the fabulous place they stayed and all the inspiration they received and the wonderfulness of the quiet mansion in the mountains, said stalked authors would be intrigued enough to want to try it out themselves. In essence, they would PAY me to stalk them! How perfect is that?

Reason 3: Something useful needs to be done with that mansion and making it available to artists would not only bolster my town’s economy somehow but it would also make people care about the mansion and they’d want to help with its upkeep. I don’t really know how that one works but in my mind it does so we’ll go with it.

The mansion would not be open all year, though. Oh no no. It would close to the public from October 1st through January 1st. In October, I’d hire (because I’m rich, remember) costumey and theatery people from the local colleges to decorate the house and grounds for Halloween and then we’d have a ginormous party the night thereof. The whole town would be invited. It probably wouldn’t be very safe because that is not my first priority, but it would be extremely fun.

In November, I’d invite all my friends and family over for Thanksgiving and the cool thing is that I’d have plenty of room for everyone to stay a few days.

In December, we’d have wintertime parties GALORE! I’m pretty sure there’s a festivity for almost every day of that month. We would  celebrate them all, every one. Again, the entire town would be invited. There would be lights and fireplaces and hot spiced cider and a constant supply of freshly-baked cookies. It would be the highlight of everyone’s end-of-year.

See? This is what wintery festiveness will look like.

Seriously. EVERYONE in town will be invited.

I’ve got some of the staff hired already, too. Pam, one of the instigators of this blog, is going to be the overall manager and her son can be the chef. She doesn’t know that yet…well, actually, she does if she just read this. Noelle is going to be the entertainment director and will be in charge of arranging pick-ups and drop-offs of authors at the airport in addition to any fun things they want to do while they’re in town. Gabe can be one of the drivers because it means he can have a nice, new car. Bedot is going to be the hiking tour guide. My favorite nursery will be in charge of the grounds and my mom will be in charge of the indoor plants. I’ve got a lawyer, I’ve got a CPA…I think I’m set. If you want in on this, now is totally the time to sign up either as a guest or as an employee. Let me know your preferences below.


Filed under My journey to writerhood, My Phenomenal Fake Life

6 responses to “Writers, come to me

  1. Tyler J. Yoder

    I have experience as an event coordinator, and our organization only had to close its doors because my partner in crime moved to Asia, so I’d like to help with all the fabulous parties that you throw in the winter.
    Also I’d like to be a guest.
    Did you try doing a kickstarter? Is it still for sale? When I steal a bus and come visit, could we break in and pretend that it was a writer’s retreat and write there? These are very serious questions.
    Also, it probably has a totally great basement.

    • Heh. No. No on the kickstarter, though, in my case, it’s because I’m lazy. Laaaaay Zeeeeee.

      But when I win the lottery and make this dream a reality? You’re hired. SO VERY HIRED. And you can have the basement because, obviously it is amazing down there. Even though I’ve never seen it.

  2. I bags being the chef! I can make a mean beans on toast.

    • Beans on toast.
      You know, that is the one thing I never did manage to get a liking for during my time in Australia or Scotland. And you’d think I’d have taken to it like…a kid to some amazing new candy…or something…because I live Out West and that’s totally something they’d have had on the chuckwagon, right? During the cattle driving times? Beans on toast sounds totally Western and yet, to me, it’s just weird.

      Anyway, I am making a concerted effort to answer all your comments tonight. Hahah! Just kidding. I’m going to get through as many as I can before I pass out and sleep.

  3. Miriam

    Lovely building and an awesome plan. I’m not sure how many authors actually have money, but it doesn’t really matter after you’ve won the lottery, right?

    • It is quite the charming place.
      I don’t need authors with money. At least, not at first. They can be sponsored, or something. I don’t care. However, after they rave about the delightfulness of my charming town, about how the muse of creativity infested their very souls while they were here, that’s when the JK Rowlings and Stephen Kings of the world will come to check the place out.
      Ok, if I’m honest, it’s all just a giant ruse to get Jenny Lawson and Suzanne Palmieri to come visit me. 🙂

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